The trauma of a miscarriage
This is a post today that is a deep one so if you are triggered with the mention of loss, please ignore this post today.
This is the trauma of miscarriage (my 2021 experience)
So I don’t normally write diary type blog posts, but I felt the need to after a deep meditation I just came out of. Good ole posts like these can seem long winded but literally take me all of 30 minutes to write so here goes.
This passed year has been a fucking world wind of emotions for me. Just straight torture emotionally.
January I felt my best friend was pulling away and I just honestly didn't understand why. Then I had my billionth miscarriage at 8w4d. I have so much guilt around that. You see, I had no intention of having another baby considering my last son is so attached to me and still breastfeeding. I felt like I was replacing him. I was going to hurt him for bringing another baby in and doing all the things I am doing with him. How replaced and less important he would feel and just betrayed by his only source of comfort.
I know how my older son took it when I started growing bigger and couldn’t do the things I once could with him, and when I had his little brother. It was really hard on him and I didn’t want to put my youngest through that. Hell I didn’t want to have to go through that again. So I was angry about being pregnant. I felt like I was letting my son down, myself, and my husband down. All because I hadn’t gotten my body back in check. All because I was being stupid. I wasn’t careful. I thought about abortion. I knew I didn’t have much time. There was no way I could go through with it after the heart started beating. So I had a quick decision to make. I knew I was about 5 weeks when I found out and so I talked with my husband and we both essentially decided that we would make it through this decision. The universe gives us what we need when we need it. So the decision to terminate wasn’t ours to make.
So life goes on.
I was beginning to feel normal and happy and just going on with life, oh la dee da. Then it happened. On a Friday I started bleeding bright red. I knew where this was going. I mean I’ve had miscarriages before. I knew in my gut that this was the end of the pregnancy. My spirit baby told me she was a girl. I had her name picked out in my head. I had become very excited for her to be earth side with us. I just thought it was going to be earth side as a live baby.
In so much pain and on high freak out mode from having to wear a mask adding to the fact that this girl doesn’t do masks. I literally won’t leave the house because there’s no way I can suffocate myself. The anxiety is so bad. I get there and have to wear this mask and they want to take my vitals and they told me they had to take blood samples because they think I’m having a heart attack. I said I’m having a miscarriage. But they were determined to check my enzymes to be sure.
I get put in a room and left alone for hours. I think about 4 hours in I get an ultrasound and I am not able to look at the screen. So I can’t see my baby. I’m alone. In pain. They won’t tell me anything. So I am staring at the ceiling counting all the dimples in these cheap ceiling tiles and I’m crying inside. Dying inside. I’m broken. I am taken back to the waiting area where I’m left once again for another hour. The dr comes in and tells me the baby is low and that I should just go home and I’ll pass it by morning. The guilt sets in. I wanted this. I had thoughts of aborting the baby so it’s my fault.
Me and my best friend get into it as she takes me home. It’s pretty much where our friendship ended. So on my husbands birthday (that Sunday) we lost our baby at 8 weeks and 4 days. That’s the day my heart lost another piece of it. I have been forever changed because of it.
Weeks go by and my best friend and I aren’t really on speaking terms. My husband decides he is ready for a vasectomy and I am mourning the child we were supposed to have. I am angry. I am vicious! I am out for blood. Becoming more and more suicidal. I didn’t want anyone close to me anymore. I just have no hope in life anymore. I get it I have other kids, but let me tell you that anyone saying think about your other kids. They are alive and they need you here. They need your love too. Those words guilting a mourning mom is not helping matters any. She is already so full of guilt. Grief is a funny thing. It isn’t linear. It isn’t straightforward and when going through it you feel as though no one else exists but you and tunnel vision is all you have. Everything else is just background noise.
To skip ahead a few months, the vasectomy didn’t happen, and I’m pretty sure my best friend and I will never speak again. I am still mourning a baby I’ll never have and this is all pretty suffocating emotionally. This new life. Without a new life. Without my best friend. On top of it all the emotions of going through two parental losses in 5 years are finally hitting. I am an orphan. No family who cares. We are all estranged. I am alone. All I know is taking care of other people, but who is there for me? I have made my bed. I have burned bridges. I have to accept the consequences of my actions.
The pandemic brought out the worst in me during the worst of times.
I never expected to ever label myself as vicious and out for blood. There was nothing left in me good anymore. I wasn’t a good friend, a good wife, nor a good mother. However while I do still feel guilt I am learning to breathe again. I am finding peace in life’s happenings. It is all part of the journey that is supposed to be. Do I blame my best friend for walking away after the razor blades I spit out? No. I wanted to justify it by placing the blame on her but only I was the one who made the choice to intentionally hurt based on pure emotional drain. I was done. What came of it is honestly just how life goes. Nothing lasts forever. I am only human.
But even so, I never want to be like that again.
I am not truly heartless and mean and I am working on this new me every day. I can not accept that trauma and emotions will rule me. I will do better from here on out. I really wish everyone a happy and fulfilling life. I know they are safe now. None of what I said here is an excuse for my behavior. It is time for me to get a grip on all aspects of my life. I will be working on follow-up blog posts in ways to heal your mind, body, and spirit. Until next time….
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